To love is to share. I think you cannot love someone without having anything in return; at least I could never love a man if he does not love me. Love must be shared if it is not the case we must give up. Love sounds simple, right? Yet throughout our lives, we learn to accept ourselves and to love each other. For some, this is rather simple, while for others it is extremely complicated. So which is more important, to love or to be loved?
The essence of love
Some people do not think they deserve the love of others. If there are as many ways to bond intimately with others as there are colors on this planet, this type of person has common characteristics and therefore belongs to a specific emotional style. The affectionate style is the way everyone connects, gets in touch with each other and love one another. That’s the way I give and I receive love. An exchange that seems simple but may seem complex for some people.
Who are these people who do not think they deserve love?
It should be simple and totally natural to give and receive love between two people. But sometimes it gets complicated … because yes, human beings are complicated! So we are going to talk about a particular emotional style: that of people who consider that they do not deserve to be loved. They are people who depreciate, see themselves as despicable and therefore disappointing. They have a totally negative opinion of themselves, charged with self-contempt that makes them incapable of seeing anything good in themselves.
They do not feel worthy of love, not deserving to receive love from other people. They really see themselves as monsters who should live in solitude and in total self-sufficiency.
The origin of this way of thinking
Many times this belief “I am horrible and no one should love me” stems from the most important and supportive relationships that the person has had. These relationships have shaped the way of getting in touch and exchanging affection that has become difficult to change: it is the emotions but also the thoughts that are affected here.
In a way, this belief makes the person incapable of building his or her life and uses it as a reference for making decisions. Building one’s life according to the idea that one is not someone who deserves to be loved is a life sentence. It is a painful and solitary prison in which some decide to finish. If we see ourselves as not appreciable, we will never seek love outside of us for fear of disappointing someone. Worse still, it is pushed back, to move away and not to let him glimpse this person whom we think to be, our true nature.
Wear masks to hide the monster?
Relationships are therefore made of lies to cover the person, who will never wish to reveal himself. These masks allow him to camouflage himself while getting in touch with other people, but always keeping a certain distance. If we do not consider ourselves worthy of love, we do not want to show ourselves as we are. If one does not show oneself as one is, one must then arrange to show another face, more attractive and less disappointing for others.
It is there that I stop being authentic, and that I lose myself in these masks of falseness. Others fall into my trap and may fall in love with what I am not, but these masks are changeable and only last for a while. If I feel that I will be discovered, then I disappear or I will apologize with totally absurd explanations. Anything that might not make me feel despicable and unworthy. Everything is good in this war against oneself; a war from which one wants to get out, paradoxically, a little less bad than before.
If you do not think you deserve love, it’s hard to get it
For these people, any means is good to reach their goal. The goal, that others do not find out who they really are. If others find out who they really are, they will confirm what they think is true, and the emotional hurt will be deeper. So there always comes a time when they will prefer people who are not interested in them rather than those who will show curiosity and concern for them.
To love to be loved, which is more important?
As you have understood, this emotional style is really a plague for those who have to face it. The person is unable to give his love and does not allow himself to receive it. They cannot have a healthy and fulfilling intimate relationship, and their partner will not understand what is happening, he or she will suffer from so many contradictions.
Psychotherapy is a very useful and profound tool for working on this kind of problem. It is important to explore and understand how this belief, these thoughts have settled in your life. This is how you can work on the authenticity of your person. It is always best to give others your love, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. Being able to give others your love is a blessing that must be shared to create more good in this world.
There are some people who are physically or emotionally incapable of loving others while receiving love, on the other hand, is a good thing, it cannot outweigh the benefits of giving love to others.
The fact that you can sometimes feel unworthy of love does not mean, by extension, that all other people will think that. It is certain that they will have a more sympathetic and permissive vision than what you think. This is why loving anything you see; animals, trees, people or an object is a good thing! Spreading love is perfect for creating a healthy environment that will attract love inwards back to you.